Menu
Relationships / Single Lady

Learning To Say NO!

Learning To Say NO

LURPE

I remember a friend’s story who was in a dating relationship and how she gave me gist of her plights during the relationship, especially the times when she had to go against her will to do things just to satisfy her partner even when she knew they were wrong .

There was this particular one that got me, which I can’t seem to get off my memory. It was a situation where she and her partner had gone to a party, on returning home, the guy wanted to peak the enjoyment of the day by getting high and topping it with sex. She refused because she had made a vow for abstinence till marriage. Her boyfriend got angry and started reacting to every slight thing she did as well as neglecting her emotional needs which had fast become a constant re-occurrence. At that level, she feared the relationship could go to ruins so she gave in. She loved him and thought he did too, and she believed the right thing to do was to succumb to solidify the relationship by giving in to sex.

Could this be termed as rape??

Well, my view…

Using manipulative means to get consent is just as bad as rape … or so I think.

But what do I know right??

After about two weeks, she needed to have a checkup and lo, she was pregnant!

Sad you would say, but on the contrary, she was elated, seeing it as a seal to the future of the relationship. She got in touch with her guy only to receive the shock of her life.

He told her to get rid of the baby else it was over between them!!

She thought he just needed time to adjust to the news. After a while she went to his place and brought up the issue again only to get a silly beating out of herself that almost left her unconscious. She managed to survive the incident and you can imagine the rest of the story. If she had stood her ground, I doubt this sort of thing would have happened to her and she sure would be leading a different life as we speak but praise be to God for the preservation of her soul and mind.

Learning to say No takes a lot of willpower, determination and of course the strength of God and the desire to live by His Word. Saying No doesn’t necessarily have to be done aggressively but one’s position must be known to be firm and if it actually does need hostility or aggression to enforce, then so be it!

You must learn to live by standards and principles set down even before the relationship came to be. Well yes, somethings might need to be adjusted but not to one’s detriment and also not forcefully or in an attempt  to please the selfish desires of your partner…this is not permissible in a healthy relationship.

I am very well still learning to stand my ground and say “No” to some unhealthy things and I also believe at some point along the race one falls… but I dare you say, always remember and learn to pick yourself back up!! It takes a lot of work and getting use to… God help us all, Amen.

I would like to hear from you some of the ways you think one can go about enforcing some of these steadfast measures. I actually would really like your contributions of all kinds.

Thank you so much for your time here as always.

Yours In Love,

Horptie.

Share This;
About Author

Colleagues call me Horptie, friends and family call me Titilope, my favorite though is Tytylurpe. I am a combination of all three. A Relationship Counselor, rational psych, transitionist yet a whelming being in all sense of the word.

22 Comments

  • John
    May 24, 2016 at 11:56 am

    it’s actually good to say No in certain case, but when u say No you’re saying it hoping its final but nature knows if your No is final or not, There was this guy, he like going to canteen to get food during lunch hour, there he met this pretty girl who also came to have her lunch at that point both of them met, and the guy started a discussion and wanted a relationship with her, so the guy asked the girl for her mobile number, the girl looked at the guy and said(NO) and she left and the guy did nothing, after a week, the guy’s roommate invited the girl to their room, lo and behold both of them met again, this time the girl needs the guys number and help, should he still say NO? just read what the writer said learning to say No take will power, only needs God’s strength, lesson u don’t know who will help you tomorrow.

    Reply
    • horptie
      May 25, 2016 at 7:04 pm

      your scenario to the post I made are quite different, thyey are very different instances and so am not sure same applies in your assumed situation.
      Still, from what I can understand from your scenario though, the lady may have been acting on standards she set based on location or how the whole talk went, hence they reason for her saying No to you. What would you have done if you were the guy? Whatever the case might have been, try letting go then start a new page of friendship.

      Reply
  • Emmanuel
    June 18, 2020 at 2:02 pm

    While learning to say No, also learn how to accept someone else’s No.

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 18, 2020 at 2:43 pm

      This!!!!!
      Very crucial and do needs learning. Lol. I think it hit a bell 😅😅.
      Thanks for your comment

      Reply
  • Ben
    June 18, 2020 at 2:14 pm

    The narrative your captured in your story keeps happening over and over again. I actually felt I was watching a Nollywood movie but then it’s the sad reality. I have come to understand that love doesn’t demand instead it freely gives. Where a guy demands sex from a lady before marriage I dare to boldly say that that guy doesn’t love the lady. It’s just sad that many a lady haven’t learnt this lesson.

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:33 pm

      I definitely have my reservations so I would agree with you on this.

      Thank you Ben!

      Reply
  • Mortal man
    June 18, 2020 at 2:27 pm

    It’s really hard to say what one will/wont do especially when one has never been in these type of situations. Bottom line sha sha, stand your ground, let your No be No, if you notice red flags, do not ignore (often times they come back to haunt you) one just has to be very careful. *sighs*

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:32 pm

      Ha ha ha ha… this is a very safe way to respond to this tho.
      That red flag talk!!! Absolutely so true.
      Thank you so so much for your time here Mortal Man.

      Reply
  • Mortal man
    June 18, 2020 at 3:10 pm

    …And I think this scenario is more of Emotional blackmail

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:30 pm

      Hmmmm, I may have to agree with you to an extent since we don’t know for sure if while they were in the act, it got rough or something.

      Reply
  • Omeiza
    June 18, 2020 at 3:29 pm

    Good story, but we all don’t need to redefine what rape is. Rape has to do with consent and force… Anything outside of it is either sexual abuse, blackmail, and power play. So, what happened in the story is not rape.

    Sadely, situations like that of the lady happens very often, even in marriages. Like you said, the most important thing is to ensure that you understand who you are, what you are made of, and show conviction in your belief.

    As for men, if a woman says she wants to keep herself till marriage, that’s fine… Respect it, or else discuss with her what your needs are and break it off. I know it’s difficult for sexually active men, but show some respect… Any relationship that is not built on respect will most likely fail.

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:29 pm

      But don’t you think there is a level of sexual abuse that leads to rape or should I put it as, the act of sexual abuse can be rape in itself. And that rape very well also occur in marriages.
      I totally agree with the latter part of your comment tho… state clearly what you want in your relationship and if it doesnt appeal to both sides or can erupt disrespect, then maybe it really isn’t worth it after all.

      Thank you for your time here.

      Reply
  • Amaka
    June 18, 2020 at 3:44 pm

    My input is we should try as much as possible to be with people who will respect our Nos. Not because the outcome might be regretful.What i mean is, Your friend could have had that manipulative sex and not gotten pregnant (lige would have continued) or she might have consented immediately he asked and still get pregnant dyg? The outcome shouldn’t be a problem, the problem is when the one you’re with doesn’t respect your feelings or believe. I had this type of discussion with my guy and the summary was him saying he didn’t want me to ever do things i am not comfortable with and funnily, he ensures that whatever i do is because i want to do it. It is very important to learn how to say no and stand by your no, it’s exactly important to try not to guilt trip people into doing your biddings. Respect people’s feelings and stance.

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:24 pm

      This is definitely another way to it. I like how the “not because it could even be regretful”… basically takes us back to “what are our standards and those we will not compromise irrespective of”… and also learning to accept other people’s stance.
      Thank you so so much for this Lady.

      Reply
  • Amaka
    June 18, 2020 at 3:45 pm

    *equally

    Reply
  • Rashtell
    June 18, 2020 at 4:36 pm

    Rape ?????? Thats a big word.

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:19 pm

      Maybe or maybe not. Lol.

      Reply
  • Ebenezer
    June 19, 2020 at 6:18 am

    It’s quite unfortunate that these inhumane and irresponsible acts continue to happen under the guise of conscience and faith that one claims to profess. It has become a public health concern that call for the commitment of our social workers in continuing to providing a more robust advocacies, campaigns and counseling.

    It’s a big issue in our society today, where guys do so much of blackmails, unfortunately, ladies succumb to this undue pressure out of fear.

    Instilling the values of self worth, identify and discipline is a good virtue for our women that we must invest in.

    Other multi sectorial approaches could be adopted in addressing this issue as well. investing in the Boy Child Education as well as the girl child, Youth Friendly clinic, Religious involvement, peer education among others

    It’s really a sad situation

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 10:21 pm

      Hmmmm… deeply and very well said.
      There is absolutely nothing like knowing exactly what you want and deserve.
      Thank you so much!!!

      Reply
  • AYOWOLE
    June 19, 2020 at 10:50 pm

    Handling the courage to say NO is far more than growing up or maturing alone. It takes Faith & having Standards. Let’s be honest and pragmatic beyond pen & words, when it comes to peer pressure, you give in to some & resist others. But there are Standards that must just be unnegotiable…those values varies from individuals, firms, cooperate bodies and even nations. You should so firm with those values that even your partner no its part of your identity. In context it could vary from No Sex, No Kissing, No Unprotected Sex, No Romance at all, to as extreme as No Private Meetings till after marriage. Remember, having & sticking to values requires several sacrifices!

    Reply
    • horptie
      June 21, 2020 at 8:11 pm

      Hmmm, really really true. I like the angle you came in with.
      In summary, know your core values and principles and stand by it!!! May God Almighty help us all.
      Awesome Contribution!

      Reply
  • rue202
    July 2, 2020 at 11:23 pm

    Yeah, it is important to say “NO” if needs be, and if your significant other reacts badly to it and tries to manipulate you into saying ‘yes’, then that is a HUGE red flag and you should dump that person very fast and kick them out of your life!
    Cause if you are not comfortable with having sex just yet, or want to have sex but don’t want to do all the things (such as blowjobs or whatever) that your SO may want you to do to them, that is perfectly okay! And if your SO is a decent human being, they will be fine and understanding about it. But if they blow up and shout and yell and keep pushing it, then just walk away from them as they have just proved they are not worth your time and effort.

    Reply

Leave a Reply