My Personal Experiences With Suicide
I was going to write about my many suicide escapades, in fact, I already wrote it line by line in my head this Sunday evening while I was washing my clothes. I had it titled “My Personal Suicide Experiences”… it was well drafted.
But see me Monday morning, at my desk, and I know I won’t be writing it again. Why?
I know people shouldn’t be the benchmark for approval on what I want to do and what not to do, but knowing I am likely to get tons and tons of heads turned in my direction just made me realized – maybe I am not strong enough to share it yet. Or maybe I don’t want the unnecessary attention that would only move me to tears but most likely leave me ‘unmoved’ – because trust me, I could be stubborn once I have my mind made up on something.
Don’t worry guys, I am very fine now. I have moved past that suicidal stage – long ago actually, even though quite recently I was back fumbling at the thought. I’ve moved past the stage where I no longer feel unworthy or even useful to myself.
I am still trying, I am still building my self-confidence to 100%, as currently I’m like on 80% #grinning. I have finally overcome low self-esteem for good. Ain’t nobody giving me compliments that will determine my state of happiness; and maybe any of my close peeps have noticed – this is why I don’t know how to humbly accept compliments. Yes, I don’t do very well with compliments and even small ones like “You smell nice” will most likely not get a straight “Thank you” without me actually throwing the compliment around first. I am sorry, but I had to deliberately build that sort of firewall, else every compliment will become essential and this might result in me having to wait around for someone to give me compliments before I get to feel good about something I did or who I am. This could make me vulnerable to the unbridled tongues of people who would use their words to spite me. No, I won’t allow that. No, I won’t give anyone the authority to ‘own’ me. No, nobody is worth being that in my life or anybody else’s life.
I know it might seem untrue. Yes, I seem the “always-happy-always-blushing-always-in-charge” kinda person… trust me, I have my many “down-times”. And Yes, I sometimes act all perfect – but is there one single person who is? So yes, it is my story to tell and you ain’t the one telling it either. So whether you believe or not, it don’t matter! One thing I am sure of, and is also a reason for me writing this is; there is someone out there who needs to see this…
I am truthfully only writing this particular piece because just over the weekend I have
heard/read/watched about seven (7) suicide cases and it just got me overwhelmed with the memories I’ve had with and about suicide.
And now I am moved to a point where I just want to keep screaming out to the world to please ALWAYS CHECK UP ON PEOPLE!
Always try to reach beyond the mere surface of these persons. A lot of us are pretty good absorbers; the kind that would excellently conceal whatever we may be going through in our closets, so well that the next person who isn’t paying a little more attention would never be able to guess what things or see which scars we have rolled beneath our sleeves.
I know many people are excellent at pushing others out, they are good at creating a fight with the next person just so those ones don’t get to smell the pain beneath their cover. I know this too well because I have at some point in my life been that sort of person (maybe I still am, but only for the sake of keeping my peace). Also, I have had to be in the position to push deeper into some people’s lives (almost forcing my presence) and I realized the magnitude and depth of hurt, guilt and pain a lot of people go through and ‘just a little care’ is all they need to spill it all out.
Other times, those people you check up on don’t necessarily need to spill out what they are going through to you. They only want a reminder that somebody remembers them, that somebody counts them worthy to be checked up on and this alone can be the “saving grace” for their lives. Be a good friend, whether distant or near; it doesn’t matter, just show you love them – say the words, they go farther than you can imagine. Open your arms, receive them… they are deserving of love and peace of mind.
Don’t let pride or anger be your rule. Some of these people you might have to check up on are those you once upon a time had a real relationship or friendship with, and because they supposedly messed up; they messed with your heart, you conclude they are not worth the slightest of your attention or time.
I know this feeling – they’ve hurt you so bad it took a lot of inner strength to pull yourself back together. They have trampled upon your self-worth and value you’d rather not have anything to do with them so that what you have left of your pride won’t be taken away from you. But have you ever stopped to think and thank God that though you have at some point had an extremely little pride and carriage left in you, yet you have never gotten to the state of thinking suicide: that the thought just has never come to even your subconscious?
This is the difference between you and those that tried to demoralize your state of being yet have also been the ones to consider suicide as their way out of the mental state of mind they find themselves in.
Also amongst those you really should check up on are those persons living in your neighborhood. Yes, they may seem like the “general public” because you supposedly have no ‘real relationship or reason’ to connect with them, but the knowledge of our humanity, our duty as humanitarians and our responsibility as the keepers of our neighbors as The Good Book teaches should be enough reason to be a shoulder someone out there can lean on. We should always take more than just a minute to assess what the next person could be going through; try putting yourself in their shoes. Imagine it!
Even those supposedly in the spot-light: celebrities, etc; you would be surprised to know that the limelight they find themselves in is the reason some of them are/have been considering suicide as their way out of their personal/closet flaws. How much more those who think they can’t actually get anyone’s attention/help to get out of the suffocating space they are in.
Everyone needs help, only in varying measures.
I love you, I really do. So do you need someone to talk to? You think it is the most irrelevant or insignificant topic to talk about? You feel shy about stuff you’ve done in the past? Or these stuff has created lingering troubles for you in present times, a trouble that needs a cure or something?
You can always have my shoulders to lean on. You can always talk to me. Finances? I may not so well have the capacity yet but I promise we can figure it out together– I have a God that supernaturally provides so I can reassuringly tell you that we can sort it out together… All I need you to do is TALK ME, REACH OUT TO ME; I may not know who you are and this is why I need you to be the one to beckon on me, and trust me, I am very attentive. I will hear you and we will pull through this together.
Let me be your friend… Reach me via my email – Horptieluv4ril@yahoo.com – I am very prompt in answering my messages. You need not say much; just literally ask me to be a shoulder for you to lean on, and I’d be right there!
N.B: Please this isn’t for jokes, so if you are sending a message, let it be for the right reasons.